As an adult, I find myself reminiscing a lot on my youth. I recall the many good times I had, the friends I made, the things I learned, and even the people who hurt me. The people who have hurt me in the past have a special place in my heart because I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for my bullies.
I seldom like to discuss this, because I've internalized the idea that my problems were too trivial. I allowed myself to feel as though the trauma I've experienced isn't serious enough compared to the trauma of others, or that it should have been a matter of me letting what what was said or done to me roll off my back. But.. It's not that simple. I own up to the fact that I am far too sensitive to sweep my pain under the rug and act like it didn't change me or send me to bed many nights wondering why my respect and compassion for others wasn't reciprocated.
I've always been well-received by most people, and I definitely attribute that to my strong sense of empathy. I know when to go in one social direction rather than another with ease, and it never mattered who I interacted with. I often deem myself a social-chameleon, simply because I know how to relate and connect with almost any kind of person. With that ability, however, can come great pain. In my youth, there were a lot of people I'd try to genuinely connect with and engage in elements of social sharing, only to be met with snide remarks and malicious behavior thrown in my direction. I would open myself wide just to have arrows shot into me. For years afterwards, I allowed myself to be hardened towards those who made it their business to embarrass and belittle me. All the while, I was leaving important parts of myself in the past, not understanding the joy that comes with forgiveness and peace.
There was this quote I stumbled upon the other day, and it struck me. It read, "Remember, when you forgive, you heal. And when you let go, you grow." I don't know who wrote these words, but at that moment, I realized that I hadn't been growing. I hadn't been healing. I had been holding on to so much of my discontent that I allowed it to rent space in my spirit! I had allowed the cruel words and uneducated actions of children (and some adults) to follow me into adulthood; it was a hindrance, and I had to evict it.
I sat on the couch for what seemed like hours and played a mental slideshow of all the times I had been cut down by someone I admired or respected or wanted to be friends with. I played back all the times someone made me cry, all the times someone made a mockery of me, all the times someone felt the need to hurt me; I played back every instant that clung to my mental like a leech to flesh. With every thing I released, I took a breath. And with every breath came an unrelenting sense of peace. I found myself drifting back to a mindset of no apologies, of being myself in the face of adversity. At that moment, I vowed to love myself for my quirks and not to let anyone shame me away from that.
Forgiveness is a special kind of love because it's the higher spiritual choice between light and darkness. When we hold on to anger, we become this version of ourselves that is never satisfied. We strive to show that we are better than those who have hurt us, even if it means hurting them in the process. We turn life into this competition that no one else is even aware of. We run ourselves ragged because we allow the darkness to drag us down, deep into our ego with the intention to suffocate us. There is no air down there, and the time has come to fill our lungs with fresh air. To breathe is to forgive, to forgive is to heal, to heal is to grow.
From here onward, I vow to live in the light and forgive those who tried to break me, for how others treat you is merely a reflection of how they treat themselves. I vow to never internalize the insecurities and pain of others. Rather, I vow to impose my light onto those who need it most.
Namaste.
- K.